Love at the 5 & Dime

Tonight I was painting my nails in preparation for another 1st date tomorrow (with someone entirely exciting). It's the first time I'm going out with someone I think there might be potential with in years. Not to get everyone excited-- I don't know him that well, so it's easy to be optimistic about a blank slate. But I'm wondering what will happen on a true first date. If I take a lesson from the contestants I was watching on The Bachelor- it's better to err on the side of crazy than on boring. Crazy seems to stick around longer. So I'm clearly going to knock tomorrow's date out of the park!  

As the navy paint was drying, my mom called, letting me know that my Grandpa has taken another turn for the worse. He was doing poorly last Thanksgiving and it looks like it's going to be a long winter for him. While I've never been one to plan my wedding or even plan on getting married, it was startling to think that chances are no one I marry will know my Grandpa, or any of my grandparents. I will have one of those weddings where there are flowers on the alter and a note in the bulletin saying they are in memory of the grandparents of the bride. Which seems very sad to me, both for the fact that I know my Grandpa would like to be at a grandchild's wedding and for my own realization that I would be lucky to recreate the marriage of my grandparents who were married for over 50 years, who went dancing at the old Cain's Ballroom. So, to insert the first sentimental note into this blog, I want to share this song that's always reminded me of them and been a song I wanted to be about my life.

To communicate or not to communicate....

 

As you can see from this blog, I like to talk about myself. So when a man sends me questions, I have a hard time not responding. But then, you have to send them questions. And then they answer and you are reminded why you shouldn't have messed with him in the first place.

Case in point, last week a boy named James sent me questions. I answered and then sent him my multiple choice questions. He avoided giving one of the A, B, C, D answers and always selected choice E, fill in his own answer.

For example, I asked if I took him to a party would he stay close to me, hang in back, strike out on his own, or ask not to come. He answered that while he was perfectly able to communicate with strangers, he thought it would be best if we spent most of our time together.

When I asked if he preferred to date someone who was very busy, busy, not busy, he answered that while his “partner” might have a career, it shouldn't interfere with our relationship.

Annnd.... Match Closed.

The 1st Date

 

The Recap

It's refreshing to know that some things don't change. The boy you meet in a bar and don't like is strikingly similar to the boy you meet online and don't like. In both cases, I usually go on the date sheerly because I hadn't been on a date in a while and out of some bizarre hope that maybe he does have personality if I only give him a chance to show it.

So, here's the recap of the date:
We met at a Ladder 15, which is a nice enough bar. And he bought me a drink. (So far I'm still behind in the output to E-harmony v. input of free drinks and dinner). And then he didn't take off his coat. And we stood around talking for an hour. It was the most awkward hour of my life. Haven't seen or heard from him since.

 Update: Due to popular demand, yes I kissed him. I know, I know. But some habits are hard to break. I wasn't sure what to do at the end.. shake hands? Hug? So I went in for the hug, but then he seemed to go in for the kiss and wasn't expecting the hug. So I kissed him. Lips only. And then ran nervously away.

 

Let's move on to what I'm calling the "Lessons Learned" segment. Because, after all, this is all about learning, not about finding love.

Lesson 1: Take more control of what happens on the date.

Standing is conducive to mingling- not talking. And mingling is not conducive to dating.

Lesson 2: There's no getting around boring.

I'm drawing a line between going out with men with whom I'm uncertain I will have a strong connection and men I'm confident will bore me to tears.

Gym Warriors Need Not Apply

An open letter to the “Physically Fit Man",

I'm so glad you love working out 4-5 times a week! It's a stress reliever! Keeping physically fit is important to you!

Whatever.

It's great that you have a hobby. But there are certain hobbies that are more solo hobbies. I like that you are taking care of yourself. It will make taking off your shirt so much more fun. But we are not going to be workout buddies. I don't have workout buddies. I did once. They were girls. So why tell me “Keeping Physically Fit” is one of the 3 things you are best at? And “Physically Fit” is one of the 4 things friends say about you. And you mention working out as one of the ways you like to spend leisure time (FYI- any activity that includes “work” does not count as leisure time).

The problem with “hitting the gym” is that it doesn't require a lot of personality. In fact, hitting the gym is perhaps the best thing to do if you have no social skills. You don't have to make conversation- just grunt. Or if you do want to bond over working out, you can talk about....how much you can bench? Aside from an easy pick up line, “Need a spot?”, there's not a lot to discuss. “You come here often?” “You training for anything?” “I like your water bottle.”

So here's my point, Physically Fit Man, I accept that working out is something you do that takes a chunk of time out of your week. That's cool. But, to me, that's a little bit like saying, everyday I listen to NPR on the way to work. It's part of your routine and I'm down with that. But-- if that's the most interesting thing about you, you clearly can't handle a woman who has an actual personality.

Sincerely,
Ashby

Welcome to the Freak Show!

What I like about online dating is that it speeds up the process of getting to know someone. So far, I've been matched with over 60 people. And I've “talked” with about a dozen. So, it's like I've gotten dressed up and sat at a bar stool for weeks and winked at boys and they've flirted with me. But at bars, you can't ask how often someone smokes or if they want children. However, you can often tell if they are sketchy. Which can sometimes be difficult to discern via an online system. But then, men are a lot stupider than we give them credit for. So after looking at over 50 profiles, let me tell you what I realize are some instant turnoffs for me:

• Saying you're thankful for your health. It just weirds me out for a reason I can't explain. I mean, we aren't 60- I'm not concerned that you're going to keel over and die. Sadly, it seems all the rage. I would say the top three things I hear are Family, Friends, and health. Really? It's just so... boring. And I am not a boring person.
• Excessive pictures of you hugging pretty women. Sometimes they tell you it's their sister. Which is fine. But no one wants to compete for the spot of #1 woman in your heart. And I am not impressed with your ability to pull a pretty chick.
• Excessive mentioning of your married friends and their wives. I'm not in the market for a couple to double date with. And I'm not intesested in auditioning for your gang of friends.
• Listing a healthy sex life as one of your “must haves”. Tell me: When has walking up to a stranger and saying "hi, my name is Jim and I'd like to have sex with you” worked? Dumbass.
• And this isn't a profile, but right after you look at the profile, you can send someone multiple choice questions. WHY would you send me a question asking me how many children I would like to have? a.0, b.1, c.2, d.3+. First of, my profile clearly says “Maybe” to kids. And while I admit that some women only say maybe so men won't think that they want kids now. My Maybe is a legit MAYBE. And second of all: When would you ever walk up to someone and say, “Hi, My name is Rajeet, How many children would you like to have? When can I impregnate you?”

But it's not a total loss. There are a few boys I've got my eye on. Maybe some of the positives tomorrow :)