I am Hot!

So after two weeks on OKCupid, I'm really having a fun time. I've been on two dates with a super nice boy (more on that later). In general, I really like the site. I can answer questions or not. I can sort through matches or not. I can wait for people to contact me or reach out to boys that seem cute.
And, as it turns out. I am one of the most attractive people on the site. (which should tell you something about their standards of attractiveness.) But how did I find this out? Why they sent me an e-mail with the subject: You are Hot! And you know, not that I needed any confidence boosting, but an auto generated hotness rating always gives me a boost.

I'm pretty  happy with the matches I've had so far, so I'm not necessarily celebrating the "more attractive matches" that will be showing up in my account. Case in point: when I logged in I found Smoker in my new queue. And I felt really great about that relationship ending when I saw that when asked, "In the sentence 'Wherefore art thou Romeo" what does 'wherefore' mean? with: "How". Not Where. not Why. Not even WTF/Who Cares\. Nope. How. I think I was better off with the cute nerdy ones than the dumbass crazy ones. But hey, what's a girl to do?

I wonder if they send me a similar e-mail if I get down graded?

Memorial Day Weekend 2012

So on Memorial Day weekend 2012, I went to a cook out with lovely friends, had a picnic in Rittenhouse Square, went to Atlantic City (see above) and in general, was constantly reminded of how great life was. As a result, I have decided to lift my self-imposed dating ban. (Which initally started as a giving up men for Lent and then went so well I decided to keep it around through June!)

Not dating was great, but I'm ready to ready for round two:

 Learning how to date someone who doesn't suck.

And to get started, I'm on OKCupid. Which seems a lot like Facebook for single people. I love Facebook, so I'm sure I'll love this. Or at least like it better than e-Harmony!  

Just when you think it couldn't get any worse

January 17, 2011

You know that scene in Gone with the Wind where Scarlett visits the wounded on the battlefield and the camera just keeps pulling back and back and back and reveals more and more destruction? That what I feel like.

I had dinner with church friends and it was revealed:

1. Pastor is dating the choir girl from church.
2. They've been dating since this summer (apparently in a non-exclusive way)
3. She won't sleep with him, because she's saving herself for marriage

What's ironic is that I really was starting to feel better about the Pastor situation. I had decided that since I didn't know who it was, it wasn't fair to assume it was Choir Girl. If I'm honest, and I know this isn't flattering, I decided that it was mean to assume that Pastor would date Choir Girl, because I've never liked her. She always says weird things to me, she's super-conservative, and I think she's frumpy. In my list of people that Pastor could be dating, she was the one I hoped it would be, because it was easier to think about him with someone awful. But it was still shocking, and will likely make church events a little uncomfortable for the next few years, until they get married and move to Chestnut Hill or until she starts going to church with him.

In addition, a few weeks ago I had asked Pastor if he still had a book that belonged to me and this morning he told me he did and he would mail it to me. It was a stupid thing to ask for, I know. But I thought that if he could do something half-way decent, like give me my book back, maybe I would be able to focus on the semi-nice thing he did instead of all the shitty things he did. Now, of course, I'm going to have to burn any book that has been contaminated by being in his bachelor pad.

It sucks to be faced with these cold, hard facts. I keep trying to find something redeemable in him. And there's nothing. I was hoping that the farther I pulled away from him everything would soften and get fuzzy, like a Monet painting. Given enough distance and time, things would look better. But I have a feeling that no matter how much time and distance there is, I will just keep seeing more maimed and wounded soldiers, more smoldering flames, more destruction.

We've officially changed his name from Pastor to Bastard.

Silence

January 16, 2011

I should have gone to NYC this weekend. I wanted to- 3 day weeekend. Decent weather for January. But I didn't. Because Smoker told me time and time again that we were going to hang out this weekend. And then Friday came around and he didn't respond to my texts or my phone call.
I don't really think I'm crazy. I've looked at the text messages. He definetly said that he wanted to hang out on Saturday and Monday. He said I should plan our weekend adventures. And yet, when Friday came around, he didn't respond to my texts to firm up plans. I called on Sunday to see if we were still hanging out on Monday. Nothing. And it's the most awkward thing in the world. Because he asked me to make plans. So, I'm supposed to be planning. I'm supposed to call. And yet, nothing happens when I do.

Dating the Man who says things too soon.

January 10, 2011

So, I've been kinda freaking out about how into me Smoker appears to be. He's wanted to hang out Saturday and Sunday. He mentioned he needed a date for something March. He's talked about me to his mom. Everytime we talk, it seems like he's checking things off his list and if we make it to the bottom of the page, everything will be good to go for a lifetime of happiness.

And I'm realizing that this is a pattern in many of the men I've dated in the last few years. I've dated (rounding those relationships up) 4 men since I moved to Philadelphia and 3 of them have been classic Early Releasers. By which I mean, saying things way to early in a relationship.

There was Big Tall Italian guy, who, on our second date, let me know that he had talked about me to his mom and just wanted to check and make sure that when he went home this weekend, he could tell his parents that we were together. I said sure! But at that point, I had never talked to my parents about any boy I was dating. I would reference a date that had occurred in the past, sometimes the not too distant past. But there was no talking about a boy I was with, until Pastor.

And there was Pastor, who on the infamous, "I feel like I'm cheating on my wife' night, also said, "I'm not saying that this will lead to marriage, but I could see that happening with us. And if it does, we're going to have to talk about children. Because I'm on the 'no' side of Maybe and if it's something you really want, I'm gonna want that to happen sooner rather than later." I mean the levels of WTF are just off the charts for this one.

And now this guy keeps talking about how this is so great- and I agree that it is really great- and he just seems to assume that everything will work out between us and has not hesitation about telling me this.

I have always assumed that if I ever indicated on a 1st date, or even in the first month of dating, that I thought we would be seeing each months down the line, the boy would run for the hills. But here they are, nonchalantly making plans months in the future, involving their parents and even our future children into our very early discussions.

And here's my problem with this. It takes me a bit longer to make up my mind about someone. I need a bit of time to figure out if I like him and if we make a good couple before I can introduce him to my friends or family and a lot of time to decide if we would be good parents. And it seems just about the time that I come around, he's decided that he would like to date someone else. That's not fair.

Best. Date. Ever.

January 7, 2011

Today I had the best date of my entire life.

I realize that's a pretty low bar, but I have to say that from now on, the bar will be ridiculously high.

This is my co-worker's friend, Smoker. Smoker picks me up at 1pm today and we grab hoagies. I eat all of mine because I went for a 4 mile run this morning and I'm STARVING. I know-- poor date etiquette.
Then we go to a used bookstore and talk about all the books we've read. We buy each other books. Then we grab coffee. We share our 'deal-breaker' baggage, in case the other one wants to get out now. He's a smoker, a recovering alcoholic, etc. I was a missionary and go to church most Sundays. We talk a lot and he's the first person I've dated in YEARS that can talk more than me. He's smart and interesting and witty and he doesn't talk all the time- I still talk a lot. We go to another book store. We listen to music.

Here's the thing. He is nothing like anyone I've ever dated. He's an ethnic Jew, but was raised an Atheist and has been practicing Buddhism since he went into recovery. He doesn't drink. He does smoke. He's tall- like way over 6 feet. This is pretty much the opposite of every person I've been in a relationship with.

But here's the thing. We have similar taste in music and books. We have similar political beliefs. We have similar views on the role family plays in our lives. We have jobs that make us happy and that we're good at. I've never had any of that in a relationship.

I still don't know. I like my bottle of wine. and whiskey. and beer. And my faith is an important part of who I am. I'm not sure of how this works out. But there's a part of me that's realizing that I've been fishing out of the same spot for years and getting nothing and it's possible I've just been looking in the wrong place.

New Year's Resolution: Date someone awesome

Dec 20, 2011

I'm doing the 12 Days of Oklahoma Christmas, so I've got lots of time to think about how awesome the dude I'll date next year is going to be.

Here's my Top 5

• Good listener (I'm a funny person and I process things by talking. So he needs to be prepared for me to talk. A lot. Bonus if he's also funny and a good talker.)
• Likes his family and willing to fit into mine. (We're an odd crew, but I need someone who will participate in family game night.)
• Feels like he's good at his job and that his job makes a difference in the world. (We all need to complain about work sometimes. But I want him to have a sense of vocation- that's he's doing the thing he supposed to do.)
• Generally optimistic, but clear-eyed (It was emotionally exhausting to spend so much time with someone who always saw the worst in situations. I can't be cheerleader all the time.)
• Won't make me cry (This first time I got my heart broken, my mom told me that any man who intentionally made you cry wasn't worth having.)

So, Pastor totally had the first one nailed. But receives failing marks on the other four. The good thing about the whole Pastor experience, is that there's really no where to go but up. But that bar is so ridiculously low, that it's not fair to say, "I want to date someone who doesn't suck as a person." So for 2012, I'm saying, "I want to date someone awesome."

My coworker is going to set me up with an old friend, who's about my age. It's unclear if it will be awesome. But there's potential there.

The Year of Learning How to Date- My Bad

December 12, 2011

I look on this past year and my New Year's Resolution to Learn How To Date and I think, "Check"
It was good. It was hard. I learned a lot.

I've learned that, in fact, it is impossible to escape the scenario outlayed by all of my Oklahoma sex-ed courses.

In fact, I lost my virginity to an older man, who got me drunk, and made me believe that I was the only one he wanted, and then never talked to me again. Only, in sex-ed, the girl was 16 and older guy was 19. I really thought my story would be different. But it turns out, I am living in the obvious ending.

This past year, I worked on a huge project- it basically took a year to go from conception to reality. It's a map that has the location of all our events all across the country. I had a call two weeks before the project was supposed to go live when the consultants told me that they had no way to access the city and state of the events. My mouth dropped. How can you charge me $10,000 and take up 6 months of my time and never mention that the map wouldn't have events by city or state? How were they planning on building the map?

It didn't occur to me at the time of the project to specify that I needed city and state on my map. And a year ago, it didn't occur to me to say that I wanted to learn how to date someone awesome. My Bad.

I have now dated the guy who broke up with me because he felt like he was cheating on his wife. And then he cheated on his actual girl-friend with me. So that should be the entire 'unfaithful' thing covered.

And I dated someone who was unemployed, someone who had a good job, someone who was older, someone who behaved like a co-ed, someone who intruduced the topic of us getting married and having children, I spent the weekend away with someone. Check, check, check, check.

I am (again) officially done with dating. I want a real relationship. Or at least someone who sticks around for 3-6 months. I don't know that I can do longer than that. But I don't want to spend this much effort on building a relationship only to discover that I had the right idea in June to never talk to him again.

Bring it on, 2012!

Things People have told me in the past two weeks

December 7, 2011

Things people have told me in the past two weeks:

• "You could do so much better."
• "You deserve so much better."
• "I don't know who she is, but I feel sorry for her."
• "There's someone better out there for you."

Reasons Pastor was not the person for me:

• He's a bit superficial
• He's insecure
• He sulks and whines in a way that is weird for someone who is 43
• He's selfish
• I did think he was gay the first time I saw him.

And while all these things are true, or at least has the ring of truth, none of them make me feel better.

Revenge

November 27, 2011

Top 10 Revenge fantasies:

1. My mom wanted to call his church and get him fired (Unfortunately, just this May the PCUSA removed the standard about remaining chaste in singleness, so that's not actually possible)
2. A friend in California offered to fly in and key "Pervert" on his car and then fly out
3. Co-workers volunteered to send Viagra to his church office
4. I like the idea of dressing in red, with a giant scarlet A pin and going to church for the next 3 Sundays
5. Something about a pregnancy scare?

I'm not so good at the revenge thing. I keep feeling like this must be an big misunderstanding- none of it makes sense. And yet, I have no desire to ever talk to him again. I don't want to hear any excuses. The one thing I'm sure of is Pastor feels sorry for himself, not for me. I've sat across from him in bars too many times, when he's complained about the step-kids or his wife's friends and family who cut him out, or about his old church or about his new church. I picture him sitting across from some other naive girl, explaining that he never said that we were dating, I had no right to expect anything from him. I mean, he bought our drinks and dinner. I'm almost 30. I should know that this is how the world works. He's been going through hell since his wife died. Isn't he entitled to a little fun, when he's been so miserable for so long.

I don't want to explain anything. No one has ever said that I'm a subtle person- so although he's right that we never defined any of this, I refuse to believe that I was unclear. Talking about this isn't going to make it any better. Just got to push on.

Sometimes there's not enough whiskey in the world

November 20, 2011

After a month of silence, I texted him yesterday.

Are you ready to talk to to me yet? I miss talking with you and wish things could be different.

Things should be different.

And on today, after he preaches his sermon, he send me an e-mail that says exactly,

Hi Ashby,

I want to let you know that I have been dating someone. We have decided to make it exclusive.

Pastor

That's it. That's all I get? I don't even rate an apology? How long has he been dating someone? Did he meet her after me? Is this an online someone? That girl from choir? That girl he mentioned from New York? An e-mail?

This past year, I noticed that whenever I watch Sex & the City I have this revulsion to the show. Everyone seems so immature. Surely people are not this immature. But here is living proof that a living 43-year old man has behaved exactly like a 23 year old boy.

Not Enough Whiskey in the World. Or at least, not in the apartment.

Checking In

October 25, 2011

After a week, I've run out of excuses. He should have talked to by now. Even if it was just to say, "I'm still in love with my dead wife." I decide to send the following e-mail to Pastor:

I'm not sure where things stand between us right now, so I thought I would check in.

I don't know what you're feeling about everything, but I'm assuming that since you haven't reached out, you're feeling conflicted, at best. And for the record I’m hurt and confused.

It never occurred to me that you would bring me home and then not talk to me for a week. I know you were drinking, but you seemed aware of what you were doing. And I thought we were good on Saturday morning. I really thought that things were going to be different and that we were finally going to get a chance to see if this whole you and me thing would work. Because it really seems like it could be great. And I'm crazy for saying this, but I still think there's potential. I don’t understand how we got here.

But here we are. So whenever you decide what you want, I'm going to be here to listen, whether you tell me you're not ready for a relationship, or you don't want a relationship with me, or you don't want to be friends, or whatever awful thing it is that you can't seem to tell me right now. I know that you freaked out the last time we did this, but at least that time you told me what was going on. I thought I handled that situation well enough that you could trust me with whatever is going on now.

I really care about you. But things can’t continue on like this.

The Cardinals win

October 19, 2011

The Cardinals win the first game! I wish my grandfather was here. And I wish I could have watched the game with Pastor. But I texted him today and he didn't respond. I haven't heard from him since Monday.

Everything feels so wrong.

I don't get it. He was in a different place. I thought I was clear about what I wanted. How could he have started all this all over again and done the exact same thing?

But somewhere, Grandad is smiling.

He's cheering for the Rangers?

October 17, 2011

I haven't heard from Pastor since Saturday, when we texted a bit. Everything seemed fine. And then today, I ask him who he's cheering for in the World Series and he tells me the RANGERS. WTF? Is he not going to watch the games with me? He's going against the dead Grandfather? That seems below the belt, somehow. Because on Friday, we made sorta plans to watch the series together. And he didn't even respond to my last text.

I started to wonder if this is a repeat of May.

Big Steps

October 16, 2011

I'm in this for the long haul. So I tell my mother. (not everything- no mother needs to learn that her daughter isn't a virgin anymore). But I tell her that we went out. He said he was in a different place and he wanted us to think about getting back together. My mom was so excited. She said she knew he would come back and she just hoped that he hadn't hurt me enough to make that impossible. I only talked to her briefly about Pastor before, but I had never told her about any boy before. I thought he would be a serious relationship. He was different. So I told my mother. Naturally, whenever she calls me on Sunday, I have to give her the heads up that we're getting back together.

I also talked to a church friend who wasn't very nice to Pastor last time she ran into him. I told her that she needed to be on Team Pastor & Ashby. I texted all my Oklahomies and told them that we were back together. Today, I bought condoms, because the one thing we definitely decided last night is that there were to be no Babies 2012 and that there should be more opportunities that required condoms.

Pastor Loves Ashby

October15, 2011

So.... we're back together. And it feels wonderful. I think it's going to be different this time.

We went to Rum Bar and had a pitcher of mojitos. We talked for hours and then we went for dinner. And after dinner, he turns to me and says, would you consider a sleep over.

I was stunned. This was not how I thought the conversation would go down. It took a long time to process. But eventually I said, "We've done this once. It didn't go so well."

No, it didn't, he agreed. "But I'm in a different place."

We talk about the wedding ring (it's not his wedding ring any more. He had her ring welded into his ring and he wears it on a different hand. "It's a nice piece of jewelry.")

I tell him that I can't do the thing where we start this back up and then two days later he tells me he feels like we cheated. Or that he isn't sure this is what he wants. He tells me we can sleep on it.

I say that's fine. But I know what I want. And if he's on board, we should the get the check.

We get the check.

We go home.

And the night was wonderful. I mean, clearly he had a little too much to drink. There were some technical difficulties. But, honestly, he was so affectionate. And it was totally comfortable. (Who would have known that a Pastor had such a dirty mind?) We woke up this morning and it just felt wonderful. Until he got sick. So I got dressed and asked if I should leave, but he asked me to get back in bed and we spent the next two hours in snuggling. Well, maybe more than snuggling.

 I've decided that Saturday mornings are my very favorite hours of the week.

This does feels different. I know what I want. And it feels like he wants me. It's nice to be wanted.

He's Alive!

October 14, 2011

He's alive. And wants to see me. I'm still feeling a little under the weather. I haven't had anything but tea or water since October 3rd. But literally the second his plane hit the tarmac in Philly, he sent me a text with a picture of the beach. He said. "Just landed. Glad to hear your feeling better. Up for a drink or two?" I told him I'd love a drink, but we could catch up later if he's tired. 30 seconds later, he says, "I would like to see you. Text you when I'm back."

So I'm getting ready to leave. I've changed out of the skirt and into jeans. We're meeting at Rum Bar, for Dark & Stormy's, my favorite drink. I know we need to have a talk, but I'm just so excited to see him again. We don't have to have "The Talk." I've just missed him.

Oh- it's a grey and rainy day. He just texted me to say, "I'm glad I have you to brighten my evening." Am I crazy? I think he might be ready for the next chapter.

Where is he?

October 13, 2011

I haven't head from him since the soup offer (slash/ anniversary). I texted him to say I'm feeling better and asking if he was around. No word. I can't help thinking it's a little weird he didn't tell me he was leaving. I mean, I'm a friend. He makes it seem like I'm one of his only friends. I realize that I've gone through this big realization. I don't know that he's going through anything different. It could all be the same as it was in June.

So much to say

October 8, 2011

I am officially sick. I haven't done anything all weekend. I've just stayed on the couch. I took a sick day and watched TV for hours. Pastor texted me to come over and watch the game Wednesday night, but my train didn't get in until the game ended. But we texted during the game. And last night he offered to bring me soup. And I totally would have said yes, except for the fact that I had soup. And I looked awful. Now that I've admitted I like him (if only to myself). I don't want him to see me unshowered, with glasses and messy hair.

The fated anniversary is coming up. I Googled it just to be aware. I think he's in Bermuda this weekend. So I'm staying away. I figure he doesn't need me around. But as soon as I'm feeling better and he's feeling better, we're going to have the conversation. I'm prepared to say, "Listen Pastor, I believe my life is better with you in it. I've worked to find a place for you in it. But I want to say that I want to be more than a friend to you. And I'm prepared to be a good friend to for as long as you need a friend. But the minute you decide you want more, you should let me know."

Wise Men at Conferences

October 5, 2011

I've been at work conference the past week and I'm feeling a little sick. Last night, on the dance floor, my boss as Gilman, our consultant, to consult with me on my relationship with Pastor.

Gilman asked me if I was crazy about him. I said yes. Which kinda shocked me. I don't think I realized it until I had a couple glasses of wine in me and someone asked me a direct question.

Well, then, Gilman said, the only thing to say is that I know that there's still a place of your heart filled with your wife. But I want the rest of it. Can you share it with me?

So, that's where I am.

We had dinner before I left. He invited me over for dinner to watch the Phillies beat the Cards and this time the topic was how lonely he is. How he doesn't have any friends. And it was all I could do not to yell, "Then why don't you date me? I have a fabulous social life. If you are so lonely, make a change. You are the one choosing to be miserable. You have a different option."

But Gilman has a better way to say this, as usual. And it's true. I don't want to date anyone but him. I get that there would be lots of weird obstacles and I don't have the first idea how any of them would work out. But I need to talk to him about what's going on with my life, otherwise it doesn't make sense.

For the first time in my life, I want to be in a relationship with someone. I think it's time to say I understand if you don't want to be in a relationship yet. Between the whole, "I never want to be happy again" comment and his trip to the Bahama's for his would be 5th anniversary, I would really doubt that he's in any place for this. I care about him so much, that I am willing to be his friend until he figures everything out. I mean, when we broke up he said that it wasn't fair to make me wait. Now it's time for me to offer to wait. Because I think we'd be worth it.

Confessions

September 28, 2011

Tonight Pastor and I headed to a sports bar to watch the wildcard race. I'm hoping that the Braves loose and the Cardinals win. My grandad was a huge Cardinals fan and it's making me a little misty-eyed. Pastor doesn't have a specific interest in these games, since the Phillies clinched their playoff rights weeks ago. However, as I tell him and he reminds me, "He's a good sport."

I'm trying to open up to Pastor. This is feeling less and less like a friendship and I want to make sure that he understands my fears about entering a relationship, with anyone, really, not just him.

So I told him that I've always worried a relationship would trap me. And I told him that I'm ready to put down roots. I want him to understand what I'm looking for. I'm tired of dating. I'm super tired of mock-dating. I'm ready to start building a life with someone.

When Pastor complains about his job or his lack of friends or how awful his late wife's family has been to him, I detect this note of bitterness. When he starts complaining today, I ask him if he would be feels like he jumped into the job too fast. Maybe he should have waited a bit longer for the right job or the right community. This is what he says,

"I don't think so. I don't think there's any job out there that could make me happy. My life was going this one direction and I was excited about it. Then there was this left turn, which I had no control over. And... I'm bitter. I don't want anything else. I want that life. But since I can't have that, I might as well be here. But I don't want any of it."

I think he sees how stunned I am that those words just came out of his mouth. He apologizes and says it's not fair to say that to me.

I agree. It's not fair. And it's clear he's in no place to offer me any of the things I want. And it's not fair to take control of a game we were watching in memory of my grandfather and impose all these memories of his late wife, who hated baseball.

I couldn't stay in the bar any longer. I paid for my beers, left him to pay for his wine and left as quickly as possible. He kept texting me the scores after I left the bar. The Cardinals play the Phillies next and my family will be cheering for the Cards, while the entire city will be yelling for the Phillies. When he asked me who I was cheering for, I told him I'm going to wear red. He said, liar, you're a Phillies Phan now. I responded, everyone sees what the want to see.

I don't think I should talk to him for a while.

Irrational Fears

September 25, 2011

I have an irrational fear of getting pregnant. Let me tell you, it would be impossible for me to be pregnant. I've never done anything that could even potentially result in the birth of a child. But every time I hear about an unplanned pregnancy I don't feel the need to go and pee on a stick.

At this wedding, I'm pretty sure that one of my friend's got his girlfriend knocked up. And they seem very happy- totally in love. It's like all their dreams are coming true. But it is just furthering my resolve to never have sex with someone that I wouldn't want to be chained to for the rest of my life.

yes-- yet another reason why I'm single and swiftly approaching 30.

A little too promising

September 23, 2011

And--- the ring is back on.

Lunch today was so weird. I had been so excited to see him. And then, there he is...with the ring back on. The ring I'm still not sure is the wedding ring.

I'm sitting there eating my burrito, piling on the salsa, and I have to keep myself from staring at his ring.

He's asking me to come over tomorrow night and watch the OSU game. He's telling me that he doesn't have to do anything at church on Sunday, so he can stay up late and drink bottles of wine with me.

I have a wedding to go to, so I'll be out of town all weekend. I'm leaving tonight, as a matter of fact.

Back when we were dating, my friend got engaged and I was totally the awkward person who asked "Can I bring a date?" A few weeks ago my invitation arrived for Ashby & guest, even though all the rest of my non-married friends didn't get the option for a +1 and Pastor and I barely lasted two weeks after my fateful question. I will be going to this wedding alone and I can tell he's sulking that his plan for this perfect weekend is not going according to plan.

But neither is mine.

The Ring is Off!

September 21, 2011

I had a big week at work. Tomorrow is a huge presentation and tonight I wanted to grab a drink and tell someone all about it. So I called Pastor. We met for a late night drink, which is totally against the rules, but I did stick to two drinks, so that's good.

I got a present. He had his ordination service a few weeks ago and I was invited, but I didn't attend. I thought it was weird. I was dating him. I don't want to meet his father now. I don't want his church to know me, not unless I'm his girlfriend. So I didn't go. And he brought me a cupcake. It was all wrapped in a fancy little bag, which I'm sure one of the church ladies did for him. But still. It was thoughtful.

And the second thing I notice as soon as I sit down is that Pastor isn't wearing his wedding ring.

To clarify, I'm still not certain it's his wedding ring. But it looks like a wedding ring and he's wearing on his right hand ring finger, which is something I heard widows and widowers do.

But tonight it's gone and I've had a great work week.

We talk about how fabulous I am. He asks me to let him plan the rest of my career.

I sometimes get this weird feeling from Pastor that part of what he likes about me is my potential. He sees a giant 'Do Over' sign above my head, which makes me so uncomfortable I usually stop talking about the great direction my life has taken and start talking about how even if I'm nothing more than what I am right now, I'm going to be fine. I don't know what I'm trying to get him to see by saying this.

So if I'm honest, I will admit that I got a little flirty. He started talking about all the things he dislikes about his church and I want him to feel better, so I start touching his knee.

HE'S NOT WEARING THE WEDDING RING

I mean, if he's finally emotionally available, then all bets are off. These guidelines could be out of commission.

It was a very good night. And he asked to see me Friday. I mean, initially when we were talking about getting together, I offered up lunch on Friday or drinks tonight. So maybe I started it. But still, to take every date and time I give him... that seems promising.

Someone's breaking the rules

September 11, 2011

Excessive Drinking Violation:  Issued to Ashby for exceeding ordering a third glass of wine at Friday's Happy Hour

After Hours Violation: Issued to Ashby for saying good night at 8:00 on Friday and leaving an hour late for girls movie night.

Conduct not becoming a friend: Violation #1: Issued to Pastor for texting at 9:30 on Friday indicating that his building had no power and that Ashby should skip movie night and come out with him.

Conduct not becoming a friend: Violation #2: Issued to Pastor for texting Ashby Saturday morning that he was outside her apartment.

Conduct not becoming a friend: Violation #3: Issued to Pastor texting that he was "quite fond of your charm and wit."

Conduct not becoming a friend: Violation #4,5,&6 Issued to Pastor for moving chairs to sit next to Ashby at church Sunday evening, talking to her all during the service, and then awkwardly saying "I have plans" when invited to walk home with her."


I don't know what's going on here. I spent most of Sunday trying to figure it out, but I got no where. It's like he has amnesia and has forgotten all about the last time we tried to date. It feels like he's starting it all back up again, but nothing's different.

Positive Reinforcement

August 26, 2011

And this is why you become friends with an ex. Because today I went to lunch with a friend and halfway through our sandwiches, he walks in and is seated at the next table over. Seriously, I could have touched his shoulder. Which is slightly inconvenient because my friend and I were discussing him and no matter how low I spoke, I'm convinced he heard everything. But we said hello and I introduced him to my friend. It was fine. Not awkward at all. Funny, even.

Later, though, I realized I had posted on Facebook where we were going. And although Pastor doesn't put anything on Facebook, besides tokens of grief, I know he reads everything I put up there. But that was a fast turn around for a stalker.

And then, this evening I'm walking home from dinner out with friends and I run into him and another member from my church on the street.

I'm not going to lie. I thought they were holding hands. I glanced down an alleyway to see if it was possible for me to make a quick right turn. But on closer examination, I don't think they were holding hands. and there was no where to turn. So instead I smiled and stopped and chatted for a few minutes. I don't think our church member had any idea of how awkward the situation is. But then, she's a bit awkward herself. (really, if you're not off in some way, you really don't belong at my church.)

So that was less fun. But it would have been worse if we hadn't talked earlier that week. I've turned and run out of rooms before. Old Jen would totally have spilled down the alley and pretended I was homeless or talked in a fake British accent.

I think I made the right choice.

Guess who's wearing her big girl panties?

August 25, 2011

Yes, friends, I believe this can be done. After a few weeks of texting back and forth, yesterday, Pastor and I finally, officially (in my book), became friends again. He has been restored to full Facebook access, which makes it official.

So far, everything is going according to the guidelines. First of all, he texted me around 6pm yesterday and I was reading in Rittenhouse Square. And my hair looked fabulous. So naturally I agreed to meet him for a drink. We chatted on a park bench for a bit, then strolled over to Rouge and had a glass of wine. I paid for them both, mainly because that would reinforce the 2 drink maximum AND ensure the home before dark principle.

Here are things we covered:

• I have been travelling, work has been crazy.
• There was an earthquake this week.
• He has gone to CT almost every weekend.
• My vacation in Maine was wonderful.
• He is going to go back to the place he and the late wife honeymooned for what would have been their 5th anniversary.
• Books.

After the drink we had the awkward walk through the park, which I didn't understand. It's on the way home for me, but not for him. And I made it clear that I was going home and making dinner and not in an invitation way. But he said he was going to walk with me for a bit. I told him I had a really good time and I was glad he suggested getting together. "So I guess we could do this again sometime?" he asked. And I said yes.

So here are initial thoughts. He touched my back a couple times. I think it was out of habit. But not appropriate for friends, I'll need to be on my guard. And any time I start to think that I wish we could be more than friends, I'm going to remember that he spent every weekend at the depressing house in the woods, by himself, probably moping around the place instead of getting out and meeting the people in his congregation. And that he's celebrating a 5th anniversary for someone he was married to for two years. It felt so good to talk with him. It just felt like a release to look him in the eye and say that the summer was hard and that I'm glad it's over. I feel like life will be better now. I suddenly feel very mature and grown-up. I am friends with an ex!

Guidelines

August 9, 2011
I am not a big rule follower. I tend to break rules, even the ones I set for myself. But I have decided that there should be guidelines for seeing Pastor.

1. No more than two drinks will be consumed during each meeting.
2. All meetings should take place during daylight hours. (being August, this means home by 8pm.
3. Every effort should be made to have plans immediately following plans with Pastor, thereby preventing the breaking of previous two guidelines.
4. Meetings will not reoccur more often than once a week.
5. Discussion in anyway of "THE PAST" should not be encouraged, as I am not undertaking the role of Pastor's chief counsellor, but of a friend.
6. In general, must be willing to reinforce 'friend' boundaries, including, but not limited to: no picking out of furniture/house hold items; avoiding situations that feel date-y.

With that in mind, I have texted Pastor to meet for drinks on Friday for a happy hour that will be from 4-6. I have a friend's concert later that night, so I will have to be on my way no later than 6:30. I think I'm prepared to attempt my first ever friendship with someone that I have dated!

Reunited and it feels so good

August 4, 2011

Work really has been an emotional roller coaster this week. I spent 24 hours in Dallas and then 10 hours in Chicago and got home around midnight. I think it's quite reasonable to feel emotionally drained.

Pastor responded to my inadvertent message with perhaps confusion. I wasn't sure if there was irritation there or not. Essentially, wanted to know if there was supposed to be more to the message or not and he hoped I was well. I responded with too much information, as per usual. I thought I was chatting, hadn't meant to send a message. Sorry to bother you. Then I went to bed, exhausted from a 12 hour work day and the knowledge that I had an early morning flight.

I didn't check my phone until we landed in Chicago and there was a message waiting for me. "Don't apologize about the random message. I'm happy to hear from you. I've missed talking to you and your companionship."  So naturally, my eyes started watering. From the descent into Chicago, clearly. Knowing that if I don't respond now, I won't respond for days, I tell him, "That's nice to hear. I've missed talking with you, too." Which is true. There's so many things that have happened this summer that don't feel real, because I haven't told him. I'd like for things to be different between us.

And then I go to work and I talk to Pirate for a few minutes as he's going in and out of focus group tests. We hug, we catch up. And it's really quite lovely. On the plane ride back to Philly this evening, I had realized that not being friends with Pirate only caused me pain. It didn't affect him at all. I was the reason we weren't friends. Granted, we could never be the friends we were before we started dating. I responded so negatively to the limited relationship that I choose no relationship. And whatever my reasoning when I was 23, surely I can see at 29 that it would have been possible for us to have a relationship.

I think about Pirate now and know with absolute certainty, as  I knew at 23, that we were not suited for a relationship. We were very good friends. At least from my perspective, I looked at him and thought, we are such good friends and yes, he looks like a pirate, but that's kinda cute. There could be something more here.

There wasn't. But I think about seeing Pirate today and I realize that for years I avoided any situation where we might run into each other. I hated flying through Chicago, on the off chance that he would be in the airport. But avoiding him didn't make him any less a part of my life. Now I see that it just meant that we didn't get to spend 20 minutes having fun and random conversations every 2-3 years. That's a shame, and that's mostly on me.

I don't want to do that with Pastor.

Bad Idea #214

August 3, 2011

I am going to blame my recent action on being stressed at work, feeling like a bad person, and nervousness about running into Pirate.

I messaged Pastor last night. It was (mostly) an accident.

I meant to Facebook chat with him. It looked like he was online. So I said, "hey". 

But I don't think he was online. He didn't respond. So now, I've just sent a random 'hey' message.

Jesus Christ.

Thank God I'm spending the next 48 hours on the road.

The Man in the Mirror

August 2, 2011

This has been one of those weeks when everything got turned upside down. I reached out to an ex, who I'll call Pirate, this week. My first real attempt at dating (which was still a half-hearted attempt) that ended so poorly. We didn't talk for a long time. And then we started talking again, but I never felt like we were friends. It just seemed easier to pretend that we were friends for the sake of all our mutual friends. But I had vowed to never let him get close to me again and for the past 5+ years I've been doing all I could to ensure there was a wall between us.

But this week I found myself in a situation at work where I needed an extra pair of hands and he was one of the few people I knew who could supply hands. So I reached out. I'll be seeing him in a few days- probably for no more than 15 minutes. I'm a little nervous about it. I was telling my coworker about seeing Pirate, emphasizing that there is nothing I won't do for this job! But what she saw was someone who tends to push people away.

I was on the verge of tears for most of the afternoon. Am I really the person who causes all this pain? 

Like a fiber gone from my heart

July 16, 2011

I have come to regret reaching out to Pastor last week. Suddenly, I think about him all the time. I remember a few weeks after we broke up a friend ran into him and told me he looked sad. She thought he looked sad because he broke up with me. I believed he was sad because his life makes him sad. It seemed hard to believe he was sad about me at all. It's hard to believe he misses me.

It seems spectacularly unfair to think of him sitting in his apartment, on the couch I helped pick out or eating dinner at the table I signed off on. I think of him cooking dinner with the pots and pans we bought on the way home from CT. Drying off with the towels I picked out. He seems to have gotten everything he wanted and I got my heart tossed around like a ping-pong ball. He did get everything he wanted and yet it turns out he didn't want any of it. I don't believe he misses me at all-- the person he misses is his wife.

I want to refuse, out of principal, to spend time thinking about a man who clearly has no regard for my feelings.

But my heart seems remarkably disinclined to listen to my principals. I miss him. I hope that he's doing okay. I wish he would call.

Is it possible to be friends with an ex?

July 16, 2011

Is it possible to be friends with an ex? I know people that have done it. They've remained friendly- sometimes even very close with people they dated. I've never been able to get the knack of it. But if recent events are anything to go by, I believe that I might be able to be slightly more than cordial with an ex.

Last Sunday was the two year anniversary of the death of Pastor's wife. I have felt very strongly that if Pastor wanted to be friends, he would reach out. But he hasn't- not a peep in the last 6 weeks. Yet it felt cruel not to reach out. I might not know much about what's going on in his life right now, but I know enough about him to know that his is painful day. So sent a text. Nothing much, just "Thinking of you today and hoping you are finding solace." And within minutes I got a response, Thanks Ashby. Heading back to CT for share food, wine, tears and stories with friends. I'll let M. know you said hello.

His response is exactly why I don't think that we can be friends. I think he's take on what friendship looks like is delusional. He hasn't spoken to me in 6 weeks, yet he's going to tell M (who I have met twice and seemed smart enough to have figured out that we are dating) that I said hello. Why? I didn't say hello. I wouldn't have said hello. Because saying, tell M I said hello makes it seem like I miss M and look forward to seeing her again. But under no circumstances will I go back to CT, which makes the likelihood of running into M near impossible. And although I think M liked me well enough, I can't imagine her asking after me, especially at a dinner in honor of the late wife. And if he was just saying that to be nice and wasn't going to say anything of the kind, it's still weird.

Still, I feel like a good person for reaching out. I miss him.

Last Saturday was a good friend's birthday party. Her parties are always legendary. Last birthday party, it was rumored that I kissed a fellow in her kitchen and then he walked me home where we proceeded to kiss under the bridge, on the bridge, on the street and on the steps. We continued to kiss at most parties throughout 2010, but it never elevated beyond kissing. And by the end of the year, I was bored, but also irritated that the kissing was so much fun and had so much potential. I hate wasted potential.

But by the end of the year, it became clear that whatever potential had been there initially had totally disintegrated. And that experience led me to this blog (at least partially). I was a little nervous to run into him at the party- I didn't want to repeat the mistakes of 2010. And you know what, I didn't.

I behaved myself perfectly. I didn't avoid him, I didn't seek him out. Whenever we were together, I was fun and flirty, but that was all. It wasn't awkward. And it didn't lead anywhere.

So maybe in a few months, Pastor and I will land in a similar place. It won't be awkward to run into each other, though those times might be few and far between.

Home

June 16, 2011

It wasn't a lie to tell Pastor that my June was really busy. It is. I was in Dallas for work earlier this week and now I'm at home for a few days. Tomorrow is Father's Day. It's nice to be at home for Father's Day and I was concerned about how mom would handle the first Father's Day without Grandpa.

I've been really impressed with myself and how I'm handling the break-up. I haven't cried. I don't feel miserable and alone. Or at least, not until today.

Today we went to my grandparent's house. All the furniture is gone. There are a few new light fixtures and new paint, to help it sell. The trees have been cut down. It looks like any old person's home now. There's nothing of my grandpa here.

This realization brings tears to my eyes so I leave the room and walk outside and for the first time since the break-up I have a real need to call Pastor. He was the person I leaned on. And for the first time I feel totally alone. For the first time I am angry at him.

But it's a beautiful June day. A few minutes later, the wave of grief passes and is down to a manageable level.

This isn't so bad, right.

Ripping the band-aid off

June 2, 2011

It was the nicest break-up I've ever had. (not that there's been many). He was sitting at the bar drinking wine. I had already had a couple drinks, at a friends' concert after work. We do the small talk. And then he tells me he doesn't want to do this any more. He isn't ready to date. I ask him when he knew this, and instantly I know that that's not a fair question. I shake it off. I ask him where he wants to go from here.

Apparently, his vision of our relationship is that we could still go out to dinner, travel together, talk, etc. But there can't be any hint of anything physical. Just friends. And that might change later this fall. But it's not fair to me to ask me to wait. I should be able to date other people.

And he accepts that he has no expectation of any relationship. I can tell he is prepared for me to walk away.

I can tell that I need to walk away. I can't go on like this. Spending the weekends together. Buying towels for the bathroom. Discussing his sermon ideas. Counselling him through all his work trial with the new church he already regrets accepting.  That's not just a friendship.

So I tell him, that I've never been friends with someone I broke up with. I don't know how to do that. I'll be awkward and weird. Also I have a very busy June- lots of travel.  And then I go home and I block him from my Facebook. I delete all his text messages. I erase all his emails. I text my friends. I call my mom.

It's sad. But it's not unexpected. And I didn't have to say anything. He did all the work for me. So it turned out to be easier than I thought. I mean, that's part of dating, right? The inevitable break-up.

The final straw

June 1, 2011

It is so hot in the city right now. And I have AC, but I didn't tell Pastor. We went out to dinner and I played a little footsie under the table. I wanted to make one last effort. One more Hail Mary.

We walked home from the restaurant and he doesn't even walk me home. He hugs me good-bye. I say, "you won't kiss me good-bye." And he says "no". In a tone that makes it sound like he would never consider that and it was an unreasonable request. And then he says, "well, yes I will." he closes his eyes and leans in, but I pull away.

He looks at me then looks at the ground and says, "I don't know what I want from this anymore." He looks like a little boy when he says it.

Even thinking about it now, I 'm proud that I stared him in the eye and said, "I need you to figure it out." I think I even had my hands on my hips. I stared at him for a few minutes, gave him a quick hug and left.

A few minutes ago I texted him. So I think you know that we're going to have to continue that conversation. I'm too tired and hot to talk tonight. We can either talk tomorrow or we can talk Thursday, after you finish your sermon. Up to you.

He voted for tomorrow.

I'm breaking up with him tomorrow.

I just can't believe it's coming to this. A week ago, we went out for happy hour and he talked about how we could spend every other weekend in CT. He talked about my 30th birthday in November. He did all this talking about how things were going to be. But talking isn't enough.

Are you strong enough to be my man?

May 31, 2011

I don't have any AC. It was delivered last night, but I haven't been able to get it installed. I asked Pastor to help, but he "isn't that kind of guy." He also doesn't seem to be the guy that invites me over to sleep in his air conditioned bed.

It occurs to me that part of dating is knowing when to pack it in. And I can't do this anymore. I don't know that Pastor can be the man I want him to be.

I remember that Saturday night when he told me he felt like he cheated on his wife. He also told me that he thought this had potential. He introduced the subject of marriage. And children. And birth control. It seems like lies now.

Maybe he didn't mean to lie. Maybe it's not a lie if you think you mean it at the time.

But, you know, that first weekend in CT was so wonderful. I felt cared for. I haven't felt cared for since we've started dating. I've just felt used.

On the way home, I asked Pastor if he wanted to stop by the late wife's grave. It was Memorial Day. We always did that in my family. And he said, no. I could tell he was put off by it. And then he told me that the cookout on Sunday, that was for his wife. And I was so stunned I didn't know what to say. But I do now.

He is being spectacularly unfair to me. Nothing about the last four days is okay. Not much of the last four weeks has been okay. I keep remembering how wonderful he was in April. May, though. Not this month.

Hot in the city

May 30, 2011

It's possible that I had too much wine at the party. But I've also decided that Pastor is a fool for never having food at his house. I firmly believe that I would've been fine if I could have woken up and had eggs and bacon and coffee. But alas, there was just vitamin water and a banana.

My hangover prevented us from hitting up a parade, which I would have felt guilty about, except for the fact that this was the only thing I've done to inconvenience Pastor and one really can't blame a hangover. So I'm at a one in terms of inconvenience. He's probably at a nineteen.

Eventually we left, but not after some light cleaning. Again- Am I not the best non-girl friend in the world? I cooked, I clean, I even made sure that the windows were closed. (which he totally forgot about until we were 30 minutes down the road.)

And I was so excited to be back on the road again, I even bought us drinks. Diet Coke for me. Diet Pepsi for him. Well, actually I bought him a regular Pepsi by accident and had to run into replace it.

There was hand-holding on the ride home and a chaste, good-bye kiss on the lips (yep- four days away and 1 kiss. I'm a slut). So maybe we are dating. I'm hoping that the weekend away was just a big mistake. And it's not the kind of mistake that the results in this ending.

But I also know that something has to change. I can't go through this again.

Let me introduce you to my friend, Ashby

May 29, 2011

There is a part of me that is constantly surprised that I am actually good at dating. Now, maybe this isn't dating. In fact, from one perspective, this isn't dating at all. But if it was, I would be good at it.

So today we co-hosted a party. I feel like Pastor would disagree that we co-hosted. He would say he hosted and I was friend. But I am postulating the theory that if it looks like a fish, acts like a fish, smells like a fish, it's a fish. So, if I help pick out the wine, make the ice tea, bake the Mac & Cheese, I've helped prepare for the party. And if during the party, I entertain the guests, talk with everyone there, including the small children, am asked questions about the property, and send everyone home with To Go containers, and I polled the attendees, I think everyone would agree that I was co-hosting that shin-dig and I was damn good at it. I was at least 10 years older or younger than anyone else at that party. And I was introduced as his friend. But I don't think any of his 'friends' were taken in by his talk.

I was shocked to be introduced as his friend.

And yet, not entirely. He's introduced me as his friend before. Back when we were friends. And honestly, this is the most platonic relationship of my life. The only hint of romance so far was yesterday. We were sitting on the couch and I was a little tired so I put a pillow on his lap and took a bit of a nap. And when he woke me up 20 minutes later, he seemed to think it was really nice. He mentioned how nice it was today. And I keep thinking that it would have been nice if he had kissed me. Maybe 15 minutes of kissing on the couch would be nice. But no, just a bit of a nap. That's all he needs.

I find it bizarre. And yet, I had fun today. I liked his friends. If this does continue on, I would totally enjoy spending time with them.

Actually, spending time with friends is something I worry about. There's a significant age gap with us, which doesn't feel noticeable whenever we are together. But there's nothing like hanging out with a bunch of boring middle-aged couples or a group of single immature 20-somethings to convince two people that there are irreconcilable differences.

But this went well. It might not be that big of a deal.

I'm really ready to go home. I haven't changed my mind that spending time in the house that he shared with his late wife is not going to go well. I don't care that it's 80 degrees in the city and I have no AC. I'm ready for this to be over.

What was HE thinking?!?!

"I still feel married to my wife."

For a while it seemed like this was going to be a good day. There was coffee and breakfast and running errands. While we were out, we ran into one of Pastor's friends. She seemed to have put two and two together.

This evening he cooked me a lovely dinner: steak and veggies on the grill. It felt like a wonderful date. And I was ready to broach the subject about where this is going. We moved inside for desert and, I swear, two bites into my ice cream, he says, "I still feel married to my wife."

What do you say to that? The only thing that keeps coming into my mind is, "Then WHAT are you doing with me?"

If that's how he feels, why did he invite me to come here? We've talked about this weekend A LOT over the past few weeks. He had so many opportunities to bring this up before now. Something along the lines of, I'm not sure this is such a good idea anymore. But now, I'm here, and I can't continue any of these conversations, because I know that they will end with me wanting to leave. One of the major problems with this house is that leaving is not an easy option.

I know I'm not stuck. I did the whole, "text a friend, I need you to call me with a fake emergency" ruse. Which allowed me to go cry in my room while researching my travel options. I have options. But they aren't good options. So that's why when he says, " It looks like you have something to say." I reply, "Nope. I don't have anything I want to say."

What was I thinking?

May 27, 2011

It's becoming increasing clear that my theory that this all would work itself out is deeply flawed.

This evening we were enjoying a drink on the back porch, when I mentioned that I was nervous about meeting his friends. He gave me a look that seemed to say, "We're not telling them about us."

So maybe we aren't dating?

Nothing was going according to plan. We went out to dinner at someplace I'm sure was lovely, but it was incredibly hot. At least, that's was my theory as to why I felt so uncomfortable.

That evening we're having a glass of wine and watching TV and I ask him to come sit by me on the sofa. And he doesn't want to. He does, for like 5 minutes, but he's stiff as a board. He's thinking his wife. I don't know this, but I feel like I'm sitting where she sat. And the last time I was here, I truly was just a friend. I think that me sitting in her seat was comforting to him. But now, I feel like it's threatening him.

Whenever we arrived, I put my bag in the kitchen. I wasn't sure where I was supposed to sleep. I mean, from our interactions together, it didn't seem like we would sleep in the same room. And I have no interest in sleeping in the same room he shared with his wife. But maybe he would come sleep with me in my room? And at the same time, WE ARE ON A WEEKEND GET AWAY. How is there NO romance?

After he rejected my sitting on the couch proposal and my offer to talk about why he didn't want to sit on the couch, I picked up my bag and took it to the room I stayed in last time. I'm sitting in bed, just wondering if this whole thing was a total mistake.

Is this what I was looking for?

May 24, 2011

Is this what dating is? Over the past few weeks, we've gone out for several meals. We talk everyday. I've told my friends. I've even told my mother. We're still going away next weekend. And I just keep thinking that this doesn't feel like dating.

I'm certainly feeling a spark. I look at this man and he makes my knees wobble. But aside from a chaste kiss on the lips at the end of the evening, there's nothing else going on. There's the occasional hand holding. There's the frequent looks. If 15-year old Ashby was looking for a relationship, it couldn't get more perfect than this. But I'm almost 30. I thought that there would be more.

I know that part of learning how to date is learning how to have difficult conversations. Mostly I feel that I can talk to Pastor- he's the best listener I've ever met. But how do I bring this up?

"If we fooled around on your couch, would that feel like you were cheating on your wife?"  

But we're going away this weekend. The last weekend was so wonderful- it's when we really let our guard down and became so close. And this will be four days, not three. Maybe it will change everything.

Couples Counseling

May 11, 2011

I can't even begin to process what happened today. First of all. I saw Jim Thursday night for about 45 minutes. And it was clear we had crossed a line. But it wasn't clear that that was a bad thing. Just something to process. And we texted Friday. Today, Saturday, we went to Bed Bath, and Beyond where Pastor spent over $1,200 on things to fix up the new apartment.

I think I mentioned this before. He wants to feel like he's starting over, so there's not a lot of stuff he's bringing from CT. So we head out to Bed, Bath & Beyond early on a Saturday morning. We're picking out a bedspread for the guest bed and can't find the one we want in a Queen. A store employee is assisting us when someone pages her and she picks up her walkie-talkie and tells them, "I can't help you right now, I'm with a couple in bedding." She turns and walks down an aisle and Pastor follows. After a moment I stumble after them, thinking, "Are we a couple in bedding?" The last time I was a public couple, I was 23 and at a wedding. Actually, that relationship is strikingly similar to this one, in ways that are starting to make me uncomfortable. Pastor seems to sense that I'm weirded out and comes right up to me and says, "What are you thinking." I pause. He's right in my ear. "Tell me," he says. But I can't ask find out in Bed Bath and Beyond if we are, in fact, a couple in bedding. So I say, "I really like the red comforter."

As we're pulling out of BB&B to head to Target, he asks me to go to the movies that night. And he lets me walk up and down every aisle of Target and we go to Total Wine and he starts talking about all the wine we'll buy for our Memorial Day adventures. Apparently that's still on.

After a morning of shopping, taking everything back to the new apartment, unpacking everything, washing the sheets, and the new towels and putting the new tooth brush cups in each bath room, after the lunch at Sabrina's, followed by purchasing the crazy expensive sofa and dining room table. After the movie, where we hold hands on the train and he buys my ticket and diet coke. After all that, a solid 12 hours into our day, we go for a drink. After the bartender pours us three tasting glasses each, he asks, can we talk about Wednesday night? and I nod.

I'm still in a daze, even now. I'm not sure I can remember everything. But it went something along the lines of,
"Were you lying about never really doing that before." (No)
"I don't think we should take our clothes off again." (But I'm really attracted to you)
"I feel like I cheated on my wife."

Silence.

There's really no come back for that one, is there. There's simply nothing to say.

But then he says that he would like to date me. He just wants to slow it down a bit. He still wants to go away for Memorial Day. We talk a bit. I don't drink any more.

He walks me home, but won't come inside, not even to sit on the couch. He doesn't kiss me good-night.

I'm stunned. This isn't what I envisioned for dating. I thought dating would be telling someone you cared about her and telling them how wonderful she made you feel. Not telling me that I make him feel like he's a cheater.

There's a voice in my head telling me that's it's unfair for him to put that on me. Because, in point of fact, he is single and we were not cheating, not in any imaginable way, not even in the Jimmy Carter, cheating in my heart kind of way. They were married just over two years. She's been gone for almost that long. I'm wondering if I'm the first person he's kissed since then.

I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. We are a couple in bedding. But we might need to start seeing a therapist.

So....

May 12, 2011

This morning I texted my co worker : So, Pastor slept over last night.

That was roughly five minutes after he left.

I swear, I had the best of intentions of not doing anything until October. But we stayed out until the bar shut down. He walked me home (since he only lives three blocks away). And about 10 steps into our trip home, I figure out that he's holding my hand.
It was the weirdest, "Do you want to come up" exchange I've ever had.
We cover, "I like you. I'm interested in you." which is normal.

But then we hit:
Can we not tell people at church (His idea, but I quickly second)
This might not be a good idea because I'm so young and will leave him for someone younger and hotter (Him)
We're really going to have to figure out children (Him)
I don't know that you're ready to date. (Me)

Later that night, though, I'm the one that's gotta drop bombshells. I don't think Pastor expected someone in her late 20's to be so inexperienced. And for all practical purposes, I'm really a virgin. After finding that piece of information out, his hard-on pretty much goes away.

But it's nice waking up in his arms. And it feels very honest. Like, I can finally admit that I think he's a wonderful guy and I don't just want to be friends. and we've texted a bit today. So, I think we're sorta good. But there's really no telling how this will all play out. It might have been better to wait until October.

Am I dating someone? Or am I somehow skipping ahead to the part where we've been together for 15 years?

May 7, 2011

Let me tell you how I spent my Saturday and you tell me if I'm dating someone. It strikes me that part of my struggle with learning how to date, is learning how to figure out someone wants to date me. And I'm totally confused right now.

So this morning, Pastor texts me and asks me to go look at a sofa with him. We go to this super expensive, swanky place where we sit on super expensive, swanky sofas. And then we go next door, to West Elm and we pick out a dining room table and chairs. We also look at media consoles. Let me pause for a moment and tell you that 90% of my apartment furniture and accessories are from either Target or Ikea. So I'm a little out of my comfort zone.

And it also feels like a significant other job. I realize that Pastor is down a wife and wants someone else to help him make these decisions. Which is why I say yes whenever he asks for help- it seems like the Christian thing to do. But it's also something I want to do.

I don't want him to feel alone. Whenever he talks about his life he makes it sound like there's no one there. He seems to have so few friends, so few people that he can turn to. I don't want him to feel alone. I'm telling myself that's all it is, when in reality, I want him to turn to me for help and advice. I want to pick out the furniture. It seems outside the bounds of possibility that he could ask me to sit on a sofa with him and have NO intention of making out with me on that sofa. I mean, who does that.

I know that looking at furniture was depressing, because, of course, right now he would still prefer the furniture he had and the life that he had before Cancer took all his plans away. So we went for drinks. And then he went to a church thing. He felt bad for not inviting me, but I was relieved not to go. What would people think. Here is this 40-something pastor bringing along a 20-something friend after a day of furniture shopping. That's not dating. That's like, we've been together for several years and we're going to consolidate our living situation. They'd be so confused..

I'm too confused to handle anyone else's confusion.

It's over before it even begins

May 3, 2011

I forgot to mention in my last post, that I asked my friend what her memorial day weekend plans were and as a result she asked me what my memorial day plans were and I said, "No plans." Even though all I've been thinking about is that I am going back to the lovely house in the mountains with Pastor. But I couldn't say that to my friend. Because saying you're going away for the weekend makes it sounds like your dating. So I said no plans. And I paid the price today.

Pastor and I were texting back and forth and I could tell that he was hurt that I had said no plans. At one point we talked on the phone and I believe I said something ridiculously awkward such as, "Pastor, I really want to go with you for Memorial Day. I just wasn't sure what the plan was. And it seemed weird to talk about it in front of friend. But I promise. I really want to go. Really." If you could have overheard the conversation, I swear it would have sounded like someone telling their fiance that yes, I might have made out with your best friend. But I was drunk. And it was years ago. and I love you.

I am a good six months away from feeling like we're in a dating zone and I've already managed to fuck it up well inside a month, there's basically not a prayer that this will ever work.

Awkward things to say before your first date

April 26, 2011

I might have just had the most awkward glass of wine in my life tonight. I went to Tria for Sunday School drinks with Pastor and another friend from church. Everything is great, until my friend asks me if I want babies. I give her my honest feelings about the subject. "I'm open to the idea of children. I think I'd like children. But I'd need the right relationship in order to have children. I'm much more concerned with finding someone to share my life with. Then we'll figure out if children would fit into our life together." Which doesn't quite satisfy my friend, who is encouraging me to have babies soon if I want them. And then she asks Pastor if he wants kids. And he says, "Not really. But I've been thinking that it's totally possible for me to have children, if I married someone younger. And I think I could do it, if she really wanted them."

So, now my mind is blown. Because I've realized that in my secret fantasies, I had assumed that because I am 13 years younger than Pastor and a solid 20 years younger than his late wife, being in my child-bearing prime would be something of an asset. Because, as I've confessed to several coworkers, I don't think Pastor is ready to date now. But maybe six months from now, maybe in October, something might happen. And in that day-dream that ends with us getting married in a few years, I never worried about how to compete with the deep love he felt (and clearly still feels) for his late wife, because our relationship would be totally different, because WE would have KIDS.

So, I'm sitting there, with this man I've been spending tons of time with, but not dating, and this friend who knows us both, but has no idea that Pastor & I have become close. I'm trying my best to keep up the facade of someone who FULLY SUPPORTS his decision and not let on that it turns out I was hoping for a different answer.

But we're not dating. So it shouldn't be awkward. And yet, it felt awkward. And I kept wondering, are you considering having children because you're also envisioning what life would look like with me?

My trip to the woods

April 17, 2011

Thank you for a memorable weekend.
Thank you for the many (many!) glasses of wine and the memorable conversations.
Thank you for letting me lean on you, perhaps more than I should have.

Thank you for welcoming me into your home and letting me walk along side you to the dumpster.

I was so deeply touched by all your tiny gestures to make sure I was comfortable and happy. I t was an amazing weekend and I'm so grateful for this shared experience.


These are my attempts at a Thank You note. I just returned from a weekend in Connecticut with a man I met at church. I was helping "Pastor" sort through the weekend home he shared with his wife, who died a little under two years ago. We went through boxes of photos and old books and cleaned the house to make it ready to go on the market. I met Pastor at church, although he isn't my pastor.

The short story is that he is a friend of my pastor who just moved to town a few months ago and has been coming to my church while he searches for his next job. I remember him vaguely from the church Christmas party. But the real moment of friendship came when we had a fairly intense conversation at the going away party of a mutual friend. That's when I found out he was a widower. I had thought he was gay, due to an interest in going with me to see a musical in NYC. So the asexual vibe I was picking up wasn't an attraction to boys. It was grief.

It was a random conversation that led to this weekend. Pastor needed someone to help him go through the house. After my grandfather's death, I've felt useless to my mom and it seemed like this was a great chance to walk with someone the way my mom's friends were walking with her. So it all came to pass that on Friday at 2pm, I started a trip down memory lane. Pastor's memories.

We talked about our childhoods. We talked about books and music. We talked about searching for a sense of vocation. We talked about past relationships. Well, he talked about past relationships. I really had nothing to contribute. We drank a lot of wine. We ate yummy food. We both cried. I had a bit of breakdown and he held my hand through it all.

Tonight, as we were driving through New Jersey towards Philadelphia, I had this sense of returning to reality and a sense that my reality had totally shifted. It was an intense weekend and it had gone really well. He had invited me back for Memorial Day. I am going to help him decorate his new apartment. It's all so new and yet I can't imagine not seeing him tomorrow and him saying, "Good Morning, Beautiful."

A bit of a catch up

So where have I been? I wish I could say that I've been off meeting the love of my life. Sadly the situation is closer to, I've been meeting the man who would convince me never to date again. But don't worry- I wasn't blogging, but I was keeping a journal, which I will abridge in the next series of posts. So, without further ado, let's catch you up on the the meaning of that last picture and through the rest of 2011.