If only it was this easy to figure out if a man is interested.

HR Notice

While I've quit the world of online dating, I've been e-mailing a boy, which feels a lot like online dating. How did I start e-mailing a boy? Funny Story. Well, one day, one of our HR ladies comes over to me and asks me if I could step away from my computer to talk to her for a bit.

I instantly think that I'm in trouble. I don't have a specific example, but I find it easy to believe I've done something wrong. However, what HR Lady wants to know is actually if I'm single, straight, and interested in dating her personal trainer.

In hindsight, I realize I should have said, "no." Or, "Sorry, I'm actually a lesbian." But I said, sure, give him my e-mail address. Which has resulted in a series of awkward e-mails. I know, from HR Lady, that this guy has been doing online dating, too. So, instead of talking about our mutual acquaintance or common interests that she mentioned to us, Personal Trainer has been using the same types of questions that everyone always asks online, mixed with weird compliments, like "You're so pretty. LOL."

I felt really bad about not responding to his e-mails, because everytime I passed HR Lady in the hall, I was sure she was going to bring it up.

Until I found out that she's been passing him off on every single woman between the ages of 25-50 at my work. After that, I figured I was off the hook.

But I want Jesus to be my boyfriend

Last Sunday, I was sitting in the very backest pew, when about fifteen minutes into the sermon, a man walked in and sat down at the complete opposite end of the pew. He was probably 10 feet away from me. But I smiled warmly, in a “don't worry- we're not big on showing up on time- we're so glad you're here” kind of way.

A note about my church. It tends to attract all types. It skews younger, like 25-40, but there's a wide range. And there's usually a homeless guy or to. Now, this guy didn't see homeless at all, but I just wanted to throw that in for context.

I don't speak to him after church because I got cornered by one of the minister people and then I had to run across town to meet my friend Joy for a day at the Flower Show. Joy and I are wandering around the convention center, that's been turned into giant Paris gardens, having a grand old time taking our pictures next to roses, tulips, and thing we don't know names for.

We've just bough dozens of flowers and are caring them in our arms like beauty queens, when I bump into someone and low and behold- it's the man from church.

He says, “How do I know you.”
I say, “From church. We sat next to each other this morning.”

I introduce Joy and we all start chatting away. I'm having difficulty understanding him through the accent, but Joy confirms that he said, “I would like to get to know you outside of church.” “How long are you going to stay at the flower show?” “What do you like to do when you're not at work?”

Somehow, I thought he was trying to find out more about the church activities, so I kept mentioning the coffee hour on Sunday's or the upcoming mission project. Or saying things like, we're never leaving the flower show. It wasn't until Joy extricated us from the conversation and I said, “Was that awkward?” and Joy said, “yes, because he was hitting on you,” that I even realized I was being hit on.

I always knew I would meet someone at church....

Judgemental B*tch

For the last few weeks I haven't communicated with any new matches. There was the one nice date. And this other boy from 2010 won't go away, but isn't making forward progress. We're still talking about dream vacations and favorite things to do in the city. I can't decide if he's blah or pompous, but maybe he's both.

That being said, a few men have tried to initiate conversation and I've closed them, mostly because they live to far away. But one because he looked like a college frat boy and one because I wasn't attracted to anything in his profile.

I'm a little disappointed in myself. I am supposed to be learning How to Date, not how to avoid dating. This online experience is turning out to be just as non-productive as offline dating. I'm unsure if I'm just being picky. Is being picky a good or bad thing?

Maybe I should be giving more of these men a chance.

2 is better than 1

Yesterday was the most convenient date of my life. We ended up going literally across the street for a couple drinks, which was a relief, because Philly's pretty icey these days and we all know how good I am at falling down. I showed up at 7:30 and he was there at 7:31, which was perfect. We started the evening out at a table, but moved to the bar once the place cleared out.

It was two and half hours of easy conversation. I've heard it said that as much as we like to think that human beings are unique, we often look for similarities. Here's a sampling of our “similarities”

He teaches middle school (math) = My mom teaches middle school (science)
He was a college althelete (rugby) = I was a college athlete (rowing)

Both of us recongize that they are similar because they were easiest sport to join.

But after we moved to the bar, things took an unsual turn. All of a sudden, the bartender, hereafter known as Hottie, joined our date.

Hottie used to teach middle school math = see above.

Hottie lived in a random Illinois town = My date lived in that same town.

Hottie moved to the random town for a job with ABC company = My date move there because his dad worked for ABC company.

Have I mentioned that the bartender is hot? Hot and Tall. With an amazing smile. Hottie asked where my favorite cheesestake place. True confession: I've never had a cheesestake. Date almost walked away right then and Hottie offered to cover the bill. But then they both were....dare I say, competing to see which one could teach me more about the places to go in Philly. I kept reminding myself that I'm here with DATE. I could come back to talk with Hottie another night.

Because it was a school night, date walked me home (10 yards) around 10pm. We kissed a couple times at the stoop, which is when I realized that my date totally lied about being 5'9”. Luckily, I ignored my friend's advice to wear heels. And, although he was wearing a puffy jacket, I suspect he's skinnier than me. But we had so much fun talking that I'm willing to overlook these small things. And if he doesn't call, there's always Mr. Hottie. I think he's into me.

Love at the 5 & Dime

Tonight I was painting my nails in preparation for another 1st date tomorrow (with someone entirely exciting). It's the first time I'm going out with someone I think there might be potential with in years. Not to get everyone excited-- I don't know him that well, so it's easy to be optimistic about a blank slate. But I'm wondering what will happen on a true first date. If I take a lesson from the contestants I was watching on The Bachelor- it's better to err on the side of crazy than on boring. Crazy seems to stick around longer. So I'm clearly going to knock tomorrow's date out of the park!  

As the navy paint was drying, my mom called, letting me know that my Grandpa has taken another turn for the worse. He was doing poorly last Thanksgiving and it looks like it's going to be a long winter for him. While I've never been one to plan my wedding or even plan on getting married, it was startling to think that chances are no one I marry will know my Grandpa, or any of my grandparents. I will have one of those weddings where there are flowers on the alter and a note in the bulletin saying they are in memory of the grandparents of the bride. Which seems very sad to me, both for the fact that I know my Grandpa would like to be at a grandchild's wedding and for my own realization that I would be lucky to recreate the marriage of my grandparents who were married for over 50 years, who went dancing at the old Cain's Ballroom. So, to insert the first sentimental note into this blog, I want to share this song that's always reminded me of them and been a song I wanted to be about my life.

To communicate or not to communicate....

 

As you can see from this blog, I like to talk about myself. So when a man sends me questions, I have a hard time not responding. But then, you have to send them questions. And then they answer and you are reminded why you shouldn't have messed with him in the first place.

Case in point, last week a boy named James sent me questions. I answered and then sent him my multiple choice questions. He avoided giving one of the A, B, C, D answers and always selected choice E, fill in his own answer.

For example, I asked if I took him to a party would he stay close to me, hang in back, strike out on his own, or ask not to come. He answered that while he was perfectly able to communicate with strangers, he thought it would be best if we spent most of our time together.

When I asked if he preferred to date someone who was very busy, busy, not busy, he answered that while his “partner” might have a career, it shouldn't interfere with our relationship.

Annnd.... Match Closed.

The 1st Date

 

The Recap

It's refreshing to know that some things don't change. The boy you meet in a bar and don't like is strikingly similar to the boy you meet online and don't like. In both cases, I usually go on the date sheerly because I hadn't been on a date in a while and out of some bizarre hope that maybe he does have personality if I only give him a chance to show it.

So, here's the recap of the date:
We met at a Ladder 15, which is a nice enough bar. And he bought me a drink. (So far I'm still behind in the output to E-harmony v. input of free drinks and dinner). And then he didn't take off his coat. And we stood around talking for an hour. It was the most awkward hour of my life. Haven't seen or heard from him since.

 Update: Due to popular demand, yes I kissed him. I know, I know. But some habits are hard to break. I wasn't sure what to do at the end.. shake hands? Hug? So I went in for the hug, but then he seemed to go in for the kiss and wasn't expecting the hug. So I kissed him. Lips only. And then ran nervously away.

 

Let's move on to what I'm calling the "Lessons Learned" segment. Because, after all, this is all about learning, not about finding love.

Lesson 1: Take more control of what happens on the date.

Standing is conducive to mingling- not talking. And mingling is not conducive to dating.

Lesson 2: There's no getting around boring.

I'm drawing a line between going out with men with whom I'm uncertain I will have a strong connection and men I'm confident will bore me to tears.

Gym Warriors Need Not Apply

An open letter to the “Physically Fit Man",

I'm so glad you love working out 4-5 times a week! It's a stress reliever! Keeping physically fit is important to you!

Whatever.

It's great that you have a hobby. But there are certain hobbies that are more solo hobbies. I like that you are taking care of yourself. It will make taking off your shirt so much more fun. But we are not going to be workout buddies. I don't have workout buddies. I did once. They were girls. So why tell me “Keeping Physically Fit” is one of the 3 things you are best at? And “Physically Fit” is one of the 4 things friends say about you. And you mention working out as one of the ways you like to spend leisure time (FYI- any activity that includes “work” does not count as leisure time).

The problem with “hitting the gym” is that it doesn't require a lot of personality. In fact, hitting the gym is perhaps the best thing to do if you have no social skills. You don't have to make conversation- just grunt. Or if you do want to bond over working out, you can talk about....how much you can bench? Aside from an easy pick up line, “Need a spot?”, there's not a lot to discuss. “You come here often?” “You training for anything?” “I like your water bottle.”

So here's my point, Physically Fit Man, I accept that working out is something you do that takes a chunk of time out of your week. That's cool. But, to me, that's a little bit like saying, everyday I listen to NPR on the way to work. It's part of your routine and I'm down with that. But-- if that's the most interesting thing about you, you clearly can't handle a woman who has an actual personality.

Sincerely,
Ashby

Welcome to the Freak Show!

What I like about online dating is that it speeds up the process of getting to know someone. So far, I've been matched with over 60 people. And I've “talked” with about a dozen. So, it's like I've gotten dressed up and sat at a bar stool for weeks and winked at boys and they've flirted with me. But at bars, you can't ask how often someone smokes or if they want children. However, you can often tell if they are sketchy. Which can sometimes be difficult to discern via an online system. But then, men are a lot stupider than we give them credit for. So after looking at over 50 profiles, let me tell you what I realize are some instant turnoffs for me:

• Saying you're thankful for your health. It just weirds me out for a reason I can't explain. I mean, we aren't 60- I'm not concerned that you're going to keel over and die. Sadly, it seems all the rage. I would say the top three things I hear are Family, Friends, and health. Really? It's just so... boring. And I am not a boring person.
• Excessive pictures of you hugging pretty women. Sometimes they tell you it's their sister. Which is fine. But no one wants to compete for the spot of #1 woman in your heart. And I am not impressed with your ability to pull a pretty chick.
• Excessive mentioning of your married friends and their wives. I'm not in the market for a couple to double date with. And I'm not intesested in auditioning for your gang of friends.
• Listing a healthy sex life as one of your “must haves”. Tell me: When has walking up to a stranger and saying "hi, my name is Jim and I'd like to have sex with you” worked? Dumbass.
• And this isn't a profile, but right after you look at the profile, you can send someone multiple choice questions. WHY would you send me a question asking me how many children I would like to have? a.0, b.1, c.2, d.3+. First of, my profile clearly says “Maybe” to kids. And while I admit that some women only say maybe so men won't think that they want kids now. My Maybe is a legit MAYBE. And second of all: When would you ever walk up to someone and say, “Hi, My name is Rajeet, How many children would you like to have? When can I impregnate you?”

But it's not a total loss. There are a few boys I've got my eye on. Maybe some of the positives tomorrow :)