Reunited and it feels so good

August 4, 2011

Work really has been an emotional roller coaster this week. I spent 24 hours in Dallas and then 10 hours in Chicago and got home around midnight. I think it's quite reasonable to feel emotionally drained.

Pastor responded to my inadvertent message with perhaps confusion. I wasn't sure if there was irritation there or not. Essentially, wanted to know if there was supposed to be more to the message or not and he hoped I was well. I responded with too much information, as per usual. I thought I was chatting, hadn't meant to send a message. Sorry to bother you. Then I went to bed, exhausted from a 12 hour work day and the knowledge that I had an early morning flight.

I didn't check my phone until we landed in Chicago and there was a message waiting for me. "Don't apologize about the random message. I'm happy to hear from you. I've missed talking to you and your companionship."  So naturally, my eyes started watering. From the descent into Chicago, clearly. Knowing that if I don't respond now, I won't respond for days, I tell him, "That's nice to hear. I've missed talking with you, too." Which is true. There's so many things that have happened this summer that don't feel real, because I haven't told him. I'd like for things to be different between us.

And then I go to work and I talk to Pirate for a few minutes as he's going in and out of focus group tests. We hug, we catch up. And it's really quite lovely. On the plane ride back to Philly this evening, I had realized that not being friends with Pirate only caused me pain. It didn't affect him at all. I was the reason we weren't friends. Granted, we could never be the friends we were before we started dating. I responded so negatively to the limited relationship that I choose no relationship. And whatever my reasoning when I was 23, surely I can see at 29 that it would have been possible for us to have a relationship.

I think about Pirate now and know with absolute certainty, as  I knew at 23, that we were not suited for a relationship. We were very good friends. At least from my perspective, I looked at him and thought, we are such good friends and yes, he looks like a pirate, but that's kinda cute. There could be something more here.

There wasn't. But I think about seeing Pirate today and I realize that for years I avoided any situation where we might run into each other. I hated flying through Chicago, on the off chance that he would be in the airport. But avoiding him didn't make him any less a part of my life. Now I see that it just meant that we didn't get to spend 20 minutes having fun and random conversations every 2-3 years. That's a shame, and that's mostly on me.

I don't want to do that with Pastor.