August 2, 2011
This has been one of those weeks when everything got turned upside down. I reached out to an ex, who I'll call Pirate, this week. My first real attempt at dating (which was still a half-hearted attempt) that ended so poorly. We didn't talk for a long time. And then we started talking again, but I never felt like we were friends. It just seemed easier to pretend that we were friends for the sake of all our mutual friends. But I had vowed to never let him get close to me again and for the past 5+ years I've been doing all I could to ensure there was a wall between us.
But this week I found myself in a situation at work where I needed an extra pair of hands and he was one of the few people I knew who could supply hands. So I reached out. I'll be seeing him in a few days- probably for no more than 15 minutes. I'm a little nervous about it. I was telling my coworker about seeing Pirate, emphasizing that there is nothing I won't do for this job! But what she saw was someone who tends to push people away.
I was on the verge of tears for most of the afternoon. Am I really the person who causes all this pain?
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