Is it possible to be friends with an ex?

July 16, 2011

Is it possible to be friends with an ex? I know people that have done it. They've remained friendly- sometimes even very close with people they dated. I've never been able to get the knack of it. But if recent events are anything to go by, I believe that I might be able to be slightly more than cordial with an ex.

Last Sunday was the two year anniversary of the death of Pastor's wife. I have felt very strongly that if Pastor wanted to be friends, he would reach out. But he hasn't- not a peep in the last 6 weeks. Yet it felt cruel not to reach out. I might not know much about what's going on in his life right now, but I know enough about him to know that his is painful day. So sent a text. Nothing much, just "Thinking of you today and hoping you are finding solace." And within minutes I got a response, Thanks Ashby. Heading back to CT for share food, wine, tears and stories with friends. I'll let M. know you said hello.

His response is exactly why I don't think that we can be friends. I think he's take on what friendship looks like is delusional. He hasn't spoken to me in 6 weeks, yet he's going to tell M (who I have met twice and seemed smart enough to have figured out that we are dating) that I said hello. Why? I didn't say hello. I wouldn't have said hello. Because saying, tell M I said hello makes it seem like I miss M and look forward to seeing her again. But under no circumstances will I go back to CT, which makes the likelihood of running into M near impossible. And although I think M liked me well enough, I can't imagine her asking after me, especially at a dinner in honor of the late wife. And if he was just saying that to be nice and wasn't going to say anything of the kind, it's still weird.

Still, I feel like a good person for reaching out. I miss him.

Last Saturday was a good friend's birthday party. Her parties are always legendary. Last birthday party, it was rumored that I kissed a fellow in her kitchen and then he walked me home where we proceeded to kiss under the bridge, on the bridge, on the street and on the steps. We continued to kiss at most parties throughout 2010, but it never elevated beyond kissing. And by the end of the year, I was bored, but also irritated that the kissing was so much fun and had so much potential. I hate wasted potential.

But by the end of the year, it became clear that whatever potential had been there initially had totally disintegrated. And that experience led me to this blog (at least partially). I was a little nervous to run into him at the party- I didn't want to repeat the mistakes of 2010. And you know what, I didn't.

I behaved myself perfectly. I didn't avoid him, I didn't seek him out. Whenever we were together, I was fun and flirty, but that was all. It wasn't awkward. And it didn't lead anywhere.

So maybe in a few months, Pastor and I will land in a similar place. It won't be awkward to run into each other, though those times might be few and far between.