Awkward things to say before your first date

April 26, 2011

I might have just had the most awkward glass of wine in my life tonight. I went to Tria for Sunday School drinks with Pastor and another friend from church. Everything is great, until my friend asks me if I want babies. I give her my honest feelings about the subject. "I'm open to the idea of children. I think I'd like children. But I'd need the right relationship in order to have children. I'm much more concerned with finding someone to share my life with. Then we'll figure out if children would fit into our life together." Which doesn't quite satisfy my friend, who is encouraging me to have babies soon if I want them. And then she asks Pastor if he wants kids. And he says, "Not really. But I've been thinking that it's totally possible for me to have children, if I married someone younger. And I think I could do it, if she really wanted them."

So, now my mind is blown. Because I've realized that in my secret fantasies, I had assumed that because I am 13 years younger than Pastor and a solid 20 years younger than his late wife, being in my child-bearing prime would be something of an asset. Because, as I've confessed to several coworkers, I don't think Pastor is ready to date now. But maybe six months from now, maybe in October, something might happen. And in that day-dream that ends with us getting married in a few years, I never worried about how to compete with the deep love he felt (and clearly still feels) for his late wife, because our relationship would be totally different, because WE would have KIDS.

So, I'm sitting there, with this man I've been spending tons of time with, but not dating, and this friend who knows us both, but has no idea that Pastor & I have become close. I'm trying my best to keep up the facade of someone who FULLY SUPPORTS his decision and not let on that it turns out I was hoping for a different answer.

But we're not dating. So it shouldn't be awkward. And yet, it felt awkward. And I kept wondering, are you considering having children because you're also envisioning what life would look like with me?