May 31, 2011
I don't have any AC. It was delivered last night, but I haven't been able to get it installed. I asked Pastor to help, but he "isn't that kind of guy." He also doesn't seem to be the guy that invites me over to sleep in his air conditioned bed.
It occurs to me that part of dating is knowing when to pack it in. And I can't do this anymore. I don't know that Pastor can be the man I want him to be.
I remember that Saturday night when he told me he felt like he cheated on his wife. He also told me that he thought this had potential. He introduced the subject of marriage. And children. And birth control. It seems like lies now.
Maybe he didn't mean to lie. Maybe it's not a lie if you think you mean it at the time.
But, you know, that first weekend in CT was so wonderful. I felt cared for. I haven't felt cared for since we've started dating. I've just felt used.
On the way home, I asked Pastor if he wanted to stop by the late wife's grave. It was Memorial Day. We always did that in my family. And he said, no. I could tell he was put off by it. And then he told me that the cookout on Sunday, that was for his wife. And I was so stunned I didn't know what to say. But I do now.
He is being spectacularly unfair to me. Nothing about the last four days is okay. Not much of the last four weeks has been okay. I keep remembering how wonderful he was in April. May, though. Not this month.
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